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WARNING
Life
Side effects may include:
Dizziness
Drowsiness
Disorientation
Euphoria
Depression
Recession
Loss of appetite
Loss of memory
Loss of income
Loss of life
Numbness in the extremities
Numbness to the plight of your fellow man
Impaired vision
Impaired judgment
Sudden weight gain
Sudden tax gain
Uncontrollable diarrhea
Controllable diarrhea
Envy, guttony, sloth, pride, avarice, wrath, lust
And a bad fucking attitude, mister
Other side effects may include
Good intentions
Broken promises
Broken dreams
Broken hearts
Pretentious behavior
Misplaced values
Religious fanaticism
Liver damage
Brain damage
Sudden incontinence
Sudden intolerance
Do
not use Life in conjunction with medication
Such as:
alcohol
Heroin
Cocaine
Crack cocaine
Marijuana laced with animal tranquilizers
White Out fumes
Ecstasy
Prozac
Ritalin
Or Phen-Fen
Persons using Life should refrain from operating heavy
machinery
Such as:
Tanks,
fighter jets,
B-1 bombers,
anti-aircraft missiles,
nuclear submarines
car bombs, cluster bombs, atom bombs
automatic weapons, semi-automatic weapons,
.357 Magnums
and big fucking rocks
More serious side effects have been reported from
people using Life
In conjunction with:
The Bible
The Torah
The Koran
The Book of Days
The Dead Sea Scrolls
The Magna Carta
The Constitution
The Bill of Rights
And the daily newspaper
Life
Ask your doctor to find out if
Life is right for you
DEBATE
When debating the existence of God
with a grizzly bear,
whatever you do
do NOT mention Nietzsche.
Instead stand perfectly still
and steer the conversation
toward the separation of church and state
and the role of religion
in a free and democratic society,
while you bang on pots and pans to drive home your
point.
and be sure to hang your beliefs
high in a tree out of his reach
When discussing the effects of industry on world
politics
with a Florida alligator,
try not to mention the connection
between Henry Ford
and the development of the German auto industry.
Instead slowly slip your hand under his lower jaw
and yank upward sharply while shouting
"The workers control the means of production!"
"The workers control the means of production!"
while stroking his soft underbelly to lull him
into a state of false paralysis
and his eventual rejection of an agrarian society
When discussing man's significance in the universe
with
lowland silverback gorilla,
whatever you do:
do not laugh when he mentions Area 51
as evidence of life in other sectors of the universe.
Instead, feign agreement and offer the supporting
argument of
ancient Egyptian pyramid drawings that suggest
the possibility of intergalactic visitors
before raising the paralyzing dart gun
and quickly shooting him squarely in the chest.
When discussing anything with a human being,
keep your arms inside the vehicle at all times
SUPERHERO
He
was an ordinary super hero
for whom saving the world
had become a burden
He
was an ordinary super hero
Blessed with extraordinary powers
That surrounded his body
Like an otherwordly aura
But wasn't interested anymore
in using them
in the now-boring
and ever-blurring battle
between good and evil
He
was an ordinary super hero
whose began to see that his
unique ability to fly
was best used primarily
for quick jaunts
across town
because of these days
of oil scarcity,
he had found his gas bill
just a little too high
He
was an ordinary super hero
Who now confined his
Use of super speed
To making sure
he'd be first in line
for concert tickets
and newly-opened lanes
at the super market
He
was a ordinary super hero
whose chilling blasts of breath
were used to keep drinks cold
at backyard barbecues
saving him the $2
he would have had to spend
on bags of ice
and shooting pinpoint beams
of concentrated heat from his eyes
to start charcoal grill fires
while wearing his
"Kiss The Super Cook" apron
He
was an ordinary super hero
whose special ability
to reverse the earth's orbit,
and send time
folding back over itself
was being utilized more and more
just to assure that
his post-dated checks would clear
He
was a modest super hero
for whom the whole alter ego thing
was becoming just a little to hard to keep straight
"Now wait,
did I do that as me
or the other me?"
and who finally realized that the mere addition
of a hat or pair of glasses
really wouldn't fool smart people
He
was a modest super hero
dressed in Gap khaki's
and denim shirts
because the brightly colored
tights and flashy cape
were just a little too flamboyant
and people
were beginning to talk
He
was a cautious super hero
who had long since
ceased swooping down and
scooping up a
handful of armed assailants
and depositing bank robbers
directly into jail through the roof
because the mounting lawsuits against him
charging excessive force
were becoming a financial burden
He
was a literate super hero
who became content, instead,
to write the ultimate self-help book
entitled "Finding Your Inner Superman"
subtitled "Self-Defense Tactics for Those Not from
Krypton"
and gratefully accepting
Oprah's "Book of the Month" nomination
and her invitation to discuss his work
on her program
leaving a brooding Dr. Phil
to heave audible sighs
and consider his own shortcomings
for a change
He
was a six-figure salary super
using his super breath to demonstrate
the strength of new Bounty paper towels
in 30-second television commercials
and using his super strength
to twist massive steel beams
to dramatize the potency
of One-A-Day Vitamins
He
was an ordinary super hero
cursed with having the mind
of a human being
Ken Green kicked ass at the Austin International
Poetry Festival. He says,
"I am always shocked/flattered/confused when someone
asks for a copy
of a poem I wrote, but hey, I'm a generous guy." |