HOW TO TREAT TREES

Trees should be treated well. Hugging a trunk is allowed, as is watering the roots. You can wrap your arms around a big, old tree without harm to the tree and with some benefit to your soul. You can water a seedling with the knowledge that you are helping it grow. Pruning is a touchy activity, similar to human fingernail clipping. You wouldn't want to draw blood or sap while snipping, and you want a neat, clean appearance as a result. Uprooting is dangerous, unless you plan to reroot the noble plant in a nourishing place. Girdling is out of the question, since removing the bark from the trunk's circumference would be lethal. Tapping is OK, so long as you are planning to use the sap for some legitimate purpose, like dressing pancakes. Chain-sawing is definitely off the table. If you approach a tree with a gas-powered tool, you're no more than an alpha lumberjack, a serial killer of the woods. Running into a tree at the side of the road while driving drunk is highly questionable. Such a collision could jeopardize the lives of the tree and yourself. Who do you think you are, Billy Joel? Feeding a tree into a wood chipper is crazy, too. It may be an efficient method of disposal, but it preserves nothing of the original nature. If you are contemplating the chipper, you should think again.
 

What you want to do is pamper the plant, maybe install a fence around its base to keep out pests and trespassers. Make sure a tree of the same species is in the vicinity, to allow for pollination and the formation of seeds. Pluck the fruit, but resist Satan's apple. Map out a grove and do a planting. Your children and theirs will thank you.